Friday, March 31
Last week my long suffering grey hat got run over by a train.
Some of you might know that the same hat has already been run over by an articulated lorry, so this latest brush with disaster is par for the course for my headgear of choice, which clearly has a taste for danger.
If a film of my life were made then the scene would look like this. Jeff Bridges playing me prepares to get off the train at New Street Station (mocked up in a film studio as permission was refused for filming) ready for another long day at the office.
As Jeff/I get off the train, the top of my hat touches the top of the door and spins off my head. Jeff turns and the scene goes in slow motion as he shouts "Nooooooooooooooooooooooo" and the hat slowly falls in the gap between the train and platform on to the track. Let's have some dramatic music too.
Mind the gap indeed.
So now I/Jeff am/is faced with a dilemma. Do I abandon the hat, or try and somehow retrieve it from the track. This will not only be a dangerous task, but one which will make me miss my connecting train and make me late for work, incurring the wrath of.....well...nobody actually as I work flexible hours.
But that's no good as we need a bit of dramatic tension, so lets put in a flashback scene to the morning before as I stumble into the office, late again, and hear the bark of "Huxley, my office", from my boss (cameo appearance from Bob Hoskins). Close up of Hoskins - "If you're late again, you're fired, consider this your last chance sonny Jim" (Those of you who work in the media may consider this unrealistic, but he couldn't use any stronger language as the film is going for a 12a certificate).
Cut back to the present
So the pressure is on, Jeff is in a quandary.
Close up of his face thinking
Cut to close up of the hat lying stricken on the track
Cut to close up of a sign, do not trespass on the tracks, Â£1,000 fine and risk of DEATH
Cut to close up of a tramp with a bit stick
Cut to close up of Jeff, he raises his eyebrow in thought
Actually lets make the tramp blind for a bit of dramatic effect - it's a white stick
And he's played by Stan Collymore
What is going to happen in the film? / What actually did happen? / Did I get my hat back?
You'll have to watch the film to find out, as that is where the trailer ends...
*If you actually know what did happen, then make sure you write SPOILER in the comments box first, like they do in IMDB